i need to be fast tonight as i'm battling a headache that has been with me since early this afternoon.
so i've hit a parenting "road block" for the first time in what feels like a long time. i guess i should be happy i've made it this far without many bumps. anyway here's the situation:
some pretty major things have been happening in our house, the 2 main big events are the birth of our 4th child, Mylo, and the death of my grandma shortly after. her death came somewhat unexpected, but she was at peace with it. it was her "time to go," she said, in her last hours.
these events have had an impact on our family, but mainly on my 6 year old, Hallie. she is the most aware of these things. she knew her great grandma and thought highly of her. she is also such a sensative little girl that anything like this bothers her a lot. (i still remember when i took her to see charlotte's web in the theater, and how she first learned about death, and how she cried for a long time after that and any time she thought of it.)
after these 2 events, another "traumatic" event happened. i won't go into details but it was something 100% our fault and she has lost trust in us, for now. (us = me and my husband) it was a scary situation and basically we screwed up. she felt alone. it really upset me when it happened and still upsets me to think about. anyway this was likely the most major thing lately.
so since these events, we have a changed little girl... and a somewhat changed little boy. (he is now 4.5 yrs old) since these events, she no longer can let me out of her sight. she normally is in bed at 7pm, sleeping shortly after. well now she is in bed at 7pm and awake until 9pm, 10pm, 11pm. she comes out of bed to the upstairs railing to "listen" for us, to make sure we are there. she cannot seem to just fall asleep anymore, she is worried, anxious. she keeps her brother up with talking to him, i think to reassure herself that he is there, we are here, etc.
she doesn't want me out of her sight when she's playing outside. won't let me close any doors, including the van doors when she is in and i am not yet in. she is just really scared, anxious.... and i know it's my fault, but not sure what to do about it. there's only so much reassuring i can do and then i start to get frustrated with her "compulsive" behavior. i know it doesn't sound like a big deal, but i know my girl and this is not who she normally is. i know something is really bothering her but not sure what to do.
anyway i don't know if i'm asking for advice, or just reassurance that this will get better with time, or what, but i might just be losing my mind here! my husband tonight said that we should just ignore her when she's out of her bed, just let her come to check on us, and eventually she'll just trust that we're here and she'll be ok. if that means her not sleeping until after 11pm, then so be it. thoughts??
i wish i had more answers. times like this i wish we were more religious and i could go into a big talk about god, etc. but yeah, i can't. i have no clue what i'd be saying.
thanks for reading.
5 comments:
I'm sorry to hear about this situation :( It must be very frustrating for you all. I'm not sure what advice to give you, but if the separation anxiety doesn't start getting better in a week or so, you might want to try a visit with the public health nurse... even just to ease your mind.
Welcome back, Tasha.
I'm no really good at advice on this sort of thing, but it does get better. Wil went though a huge depression after my Daddy died. He still comes into our room every now and again in tears, terrified of death. I think it's important for children to know what death is, and to learn to accept is as a part of life. All I can do is keep reassuring him. We talk about God (he believes in God and I support that) and about heaven, we talk about the good memories, we talk and talk and talk, and it seems to help just knowing that death isn't one of those under-rug-swept things that you just never talk about. If you can't talk, listen, and ask questions - you'll be amazed what little people come up with.
I suppose it's unfortunate that you've gotten a trust issue thrown in on top of a death in he family AND a new baby. If it makes you feel any better, I'll share our stellar trust-demolishing parenting moment: We were next door chatting with the neighbours, on the other side of the fence literally, physically closer than if we were in our own garage, and their stereo was *just* loud enough to drown out the girls crying at the door... Serejane had apparently woken up to pee and there was no one in the house or yard... The girls were horrified, of course. Waking up to pee and finding the house 'empty' and no one coming when they called... Bill and I felt immediately like crap. Until Bill stepped in the pee puddle Serejane had left. There was laughter, and sleep quickly followed but the damage was done. Not one of those moments to be proud of, I know, but we have since managed to work our way past it, by regaining the girls' trust.
I don't know what happened in your situation, nor what it will take for Hallie to regain your trust, but I personally think ignoring her won't make it any better. Talk to her, reassure her, and give her the security she needs to stretch the proverbial umbilical cord when she's ready.
I'm so sorry everything is going on at once for you Tasha!
My advice (coming from my parenting views) is the more she needs to attach, the more you should let her attach. She's telling you what she needs in action, so let her do it. There will come a point when she will feel secure enough to start letting go again, but I strongly feel that the worst thing to do is not let her cling to you when she needs you most.
As for getting out of bed, my very first thought would be that I would give her a baby monitor LOL! Put the baby monitor where you and K are (I say this cause your house is big and I see why she has to come out to hear you) let her keep the smaller unit,(cordless of course) let her tuck it in beside her on low volume so she doesn't keep Kai up, and I bet she will be reassured by hearing your voices on there and will still in bed, and fall asleep.I would also make the deal that she can't be talking to Kai and keeping him up if she wants the monitor. This way you still have freedom of movement,she's staying in bed, Kai can get some sleep and she's regaining trust that you are there always.
I am sure that it will get better, I understand your frustration over what seems to be such compulsive actions on her part, but I suspect with SO much going on, its normal. Its probably also a very good that that she is clinging rather than retreating from you, that just shows that you've done a good job and you are her safety net and she needs you.
I am sure there' more I can spout but I am only on my first coffee :) Let me know if you need any help. My Mr K has been dying to visit!
I would not ignore her - I think that it is a stage that she is going through and with your support, it too shall pass. I am sending you big hugs.
Great job on your goal list. I can relate to and should adopt some of your points.
You are such a great mom. :)
Tasha i am sorry to hear you are having a hard time with the situation. You dont have to be religious to talk about God. Just tell Hallie that is she needs to talk to someone God will listen. I will pray for you guys. There is a lot happening or that has happened in your house lately which is a lot to take for the oldest sibling.
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